(But I don't really think Emma Stone is eating too many red velvet cupcakes.)
Fairy Doors. Travis says I cannot do this to the tree in our backyard. Meanie.
I feel an obligation to make sure my daughter believes in fairies. I don't want her to believe in ghosts, monsters, and dragons because - quite frankly - satan is scary enough. But fairies, elves, mermaids and the rest - believing in them added such charm to my childhood.
Recently I said something to Lydia about looking for fairies outside and she told me they only exist in the World of Imagination. Honestly, it felt like a parenting fail.
Cari's post on fatherhood as portrayed in the great zombie short Cargo.
Pretty much everything that is done atMary Is My Homegirl. I love that tumblr.
1 - This song is a favorite around the Engstrom house. It's not totally Catholic theology, but there's a few bits I really like. Like the line, "Go and tell that long tongued liar, tell him that God's gonna cut him down." It's a more poetic way of saying one of my expressions: Go to Hell, satan.
2 - Some of you may have noticed that Ignitum Today was been down for a couple of weeks. Thanks to the efforts of Tito Edwards, the Wizard behind the curtain if you will, IT is finally up and running. There's still a few tweaks to work out but the site is up and running again. Here's an old post of mine featuring some of our favorite songs from the fall of 2011.
3 - In the span of two days I had WOMEN say stupid, stupid things to me. First, at a family reunion for Travis' family where he doesn't even know 4/5 of the people, there were a group of 50 and 60 year olds chatting.
"When are you due?" they pleasantly asked.
"July 15th."
"Oh! We thought we'd have to deliver that baby today!" hahahaha, chortle, chortle, wink and slap your knee.
Not funny.
Then, I was at the midwife's office, walking from the bathroom to a chair in the waiting room. A lady, who I would like to point out was ignoring her children and talking on the phone, (that was probably mean) called out to me, "You pregnant with twins?"
"No." I looked pissed.
She looked sorry and said, "Oh, well I," followed by loud nervous laughter.
I dug around in my bag, ignoring her. And then my blood pressure was 138 over 60 when it should have been closer to 105 over 60.
James would never say or sign something so dumb.
4 - My friends the Herrs like to enter video contests. They have four kids and would really like to win a new roof and deck. You can help them win the CertainTeed Exterior Home Makeover contest by voting daily through June 18th. Their video is short and very sweet, starring their three daughters, plus a fun jingle on the banjo. Please watch their video and vote for them! Thank you (and the Herrs thank you too!)
5 - Has anyone made these Lemon Bar Muddy Buddies? They sound great but I'm not gonna waste time and energy on another Pinterest let down.
6 - Travis and I went on a little date today. Our friend Katie gave us a date night for our Christmas present so today we cashed in our free babysitting coupon and used our gift card to watch the new Superman movie, Man of Steel. Let me tell you something, the burger I had at the Black Rabbit in downtown Peoria was *awesome*!
7 - And just a reminder to everyone to say a prayer for all those in Colorado who are threatened by or have already lost their homes because of the Black Forrest Fire. Jenny and Lisa and all my other CO friends - you are in my prayers!
Thank you, Jen, for hosting! Best wishes on your deadline!
With many posts lined up to write but no time to write them I thought I'd dig deep in the archives (but not too deep because a lot of that stuff is crap) and re-post an oldie from October 2009 that I'm not embarrassed about.
Last time I met with my spiritual director we talked about my relationship with the Person of Christ and I was told to continue to ponder it until we meet again. And here's why: I don't really have one. I used to, but not any more.
I'm sure this sounds horrible to hear from a self-proclaimed "devout Catholic", or maybe it proves everything you've ever thought about us Catholics. ;) Before I got married, though, I had a great relationship with Christ. I fully understood him as my Bridegroom and I was in love. Prayer was easy and Adoration was a joy - seeing Him face to Face. I read Song of Songs with Him in mind and every Mass was a reminder of the Wedding Feast of the Lamb. But then, well, I suppose He got replaced. (Doesn't that sound horrible?) Slowly we drifted away since I now had a Bridegroom in the flesh and I wasn't quite sure how to have that kind of relationship with two men. I'm still not sure.
Today in my life I revere Christ as Savior and King. I worship our Eucharistic Lord. I still see Him as a great comfort and I pray to be hidden within His wounds, the Fount of His Mercy. And I love Him in these ways, some of which are quite personal, yet as Friend, Lover, every day Companion there is something lacking.
But here's the thing, I actually feel like I have a great relationship with God the Father, and I'm quite drawn to God the Spirit. So the way I see it, I'm still doing okay with God. I think it's because at this point in my life I identify with Father more as motherhood has shown me how frustrating it must be to be God. Motherhood has made me understand Childhood. And I call on the Holy Spirit much more now than I ever have in the past.
So is this just a phase? Will I "return" to Christ as my Main Man?
And what about you? Have you noticed a similar change in your spiritual life? And do you have any tips or ideas for me? As a bit of a follow-up I wanted to say that in the years since I wrote this post I have found deep comfort in the arms of Christ, hidden in His wounds, joining in His suffering, worshiping Him as my God, honoring Him as my Savior. Much like my marriage, the loss of the initial giddiness left me wondering what was wrong but soon enough I discovered that my relationship had more trust, more fidelity, and more love than it ever had before. I just couldn't recognize it because I'd never experienced such a mature love before. And interestingly, this icon is called "Christ the Bridegroom."
1 - Well hello, 1990's. So nice to hear you again.
In high school I never knew what in the world this song was about but - thank you, Wikipedia! - now I know it is not about drugs. I guess I'm pretty sheltered or innocent or both but I was fairly certain someone was snorting a brimful of asher off a 45 record. And I thought "that's a good way to ruin a record" but no vinyl was actually hurt in the making of this song. whew.
And in case you don't want to click on the link, Asha (not Asher) is the first name of a Bollywood singer/back up dancer who would record vocals for lead actresses who could act but not sing.
2 - And that makes me think of this:
Gosh I just love this movie. Gene Kelly - wasn't he dreamy? And look at Debbie Reynolds - she had no idea she'd grow up to be Princess Leia's mom.
3 - For the Solemnity of the Sacred Heart we attended Mass at Sacred Heart Church in downtown Peoria. A few years ago they renovated the building and it is gorgeous.
The frescoes above and around the altar show all the major events in the life of Christ. Above the side altars, and adding to the story, are frescoes of the Annunciation and Pentecost on the far left and right, respectively.
Close up of the Sacred Heart statue above the tabernacle.
Image of the Sacred Heart in the middle of the marble floor.
We also had a Sacred Heart pizza for supper.
I confess, while we did appropriate activities to celebrate the solemnity I never actually sat down and explained to my kids what the Sacred Heart is and why it's so important.
So if this looked like a parenting WIN, rest assured, it was like a 50%.
Lord, have mercy.
4 - Now I'd like to offer a translation of the above for my non-Catholic readers:
For the Solemnity (think: High Holy Day, super big feast day where we live it up because it's so important) of the Sacred Heart (Jesus' Heart. It is burning for love of us. His heart is bursting out of His chest He's so full of love for us. His love is sacrificial - often there is a cross at the top of it - and it brought about the Church - the water that gushes from where it was pierced.) we attended Mass at Sacred Heart Church in downtown Peoria. A few years ago they renovated the building and it is gorgeous. (Gorgeous and lavishly decorated to help us focus on God. Getting bored during the homily and your eyes start to wander? Boom: there's a picture of Jesus - look at it and meditate. Not paying attention and praying the Mass? Boom: there's a picture of the saints looking at you, saying, "Dude, this is important. Focus. Pray. I'll pray with you." Thinking about the errands you need to run instead of worshipping God? Boom: everywhere is something beautiful to remind you that God is Beauty, something lovely to remind you that God is Love, something majestic to remind you that God is King of Heaven and Earth.)
The frescoes above and around the altar (there's actually two altars - the table-like one in the front where Mass is celebrated and the Main or High Altar which is the tall beautiful one against the back wall. It houses the tabernacle - which is where consecrated hosts, aka the Eucharist, aka Jesus [John 6:25-68] are located.) show all the major events in the life of Christ. Above the side altars (not shown), and adding to the story, are frescoes of the Annunciation (When the angel told Mary she would bare the Son of God) and Pentecost (When the Holy Spirit came down on Mary, the Apostles, and others as they were gathered in the upper room, after Jesus had ascended back to Heaven.) on the far left and right, respectively.
Close up of the Sacred Heart statue above the tabernacle.
Image of the Sacred Heart in the middle of the marble floor.
We also had a Sacred Heart pizza for supper. (Catholics are weird, kitschy people sometimes. Maybe this seems tactless. I like to think that it's Jesus and Mary approved. Also, because it is ordinary time [not the Season of Christmas or Easter, Advent or Lent] in the liturgical calendar we try to follow the suggestion of the Church and have meatless meals on Fridays. [It's a obligation during Lent and a suggestion during the rest of non-celebratory seasons.] So it was a big deal to have pepperoni and sausage on our Friday night pizza, but that's what feasting on a solemnity looks like, yo.)
I confess, while we did appropriate activities to celebrate the solemnity I never actually sat down and explained to my kids what the Sacred Heart is and why it's so important.
So if this looked like a parenting WIN, rest assured, it was like a 50%. (This is not Catholic guilt, it's just me realizing that I need to spend as much time planning and executing teaching moments as I do actually teaching in those moments.)
Lord, have mercy. (I'll get it right next time, God. Please be patient with me.)
5 - So that was really long. This will be short:
Children of mine, please understand the following:
6 - Let's go back to Sacred Heart Church, shall we. I took a bunch of pictures of how beautiful it is, but one of the things I think is most awesome is that the side walls have huge frescoes of modern saints.
You want St. Damien, the man who moved to a leper colony in Hawaii so he could serve the people there and eventually succumbed to the disease himself?
Well, there he is.
What about Miguel Pro, a Mexican priest who disguised himself as a mechanic while the Catholic Church was persecuted? Yeah, the guy who shouted out "Viva Cristo Rey!" as the firing squad killed him for his faith?
Seriously, except for the fact that about 1/3 of the regular daily Mass attendees at this church do not appreciate babies and little children at Mass, I love this church.
7 - So without being called out by name I was pretty much called out for recommending the movie Silver Lining Playbook. "But if you like movies with nudity and language and disturbing implied violence and described aberrant sexual behavior and onscreen sexual activity and the breakdown not only of one man's marriage but of his deeply held belief in the sanctity of marriage itself, then you probably shouldn't keep reading, because there are going to be spoilers."
So if you can't tell, Kendra did not like it and thought it was smut.
In defense of myself I will say that I only recommended the movie to people who like the show New Girl. That show has way too much sex and sexual humor (two things I dislike) and the humor is quirky (one thing I love about it) so obviously it's not gonna be everyone's cup of tea. Which is probably everyone who watched Silver Lining Playbook and hated it.
I really do need to apologize though for one thing I did say - which was that there are no sex scenes in the movie. As Kendra and her commenters point out there is a sex scene that shows an adulterous couple being confronted by the character who is being cheated on. Honestly the scene didn't bother me because it wasn't titillating, what they were doing was obviously wrong (adultery), and it ended in a violent confrontation between the two men. That's the impression it left on me - as a confrontation - and when I said there were no sex scenes I honestly didn't even remember the adultery. There was not a sex scene in that the main characters didn't jump into bed together - which is what I was applauding. But I'm really sorry that I got that so wrong and I apologize to those who watched the movie and then were scandalized in part because of what I said.
As for the rest of what Kendra mentions in the above quote - well most of that was what I was talking about when I said, "I like that it shows how people do stupid, dangerous things when we're in a bad place." I definitely understand her perspective and I'm glad she gave it, but I still feel the same way. But if you watched the movie because I said it was good and then you hated it, I'm sorry you wasted your time and possibly your money. And I sincerely hope I didn't scandalize anyone.
Thanks to Grace for hosting and for keeping things open long enough for me to type up a short, lame little post two days too late.
These pictures are a from Mother's Day and not from this past Sunday.
We took multiple pictures of all four of the kids and me and they were all ridiculous.
But the kids look pretty cute in these pics and I look mmmmkay.
Recently we've discovered that going to the Vigil Mass on Saturday works really well for the kids. After quiet time we give them a good snack, change their clothes, and head to the 5pm Mass. Then we sit in the very front row and usually all four kids give us B+ behavior or better.
This past Sunday the older three kids were with my parents and Travis went to a 6am Mass so it was just Teresa and me at 9am Mass.
Teresa's behavior was A+.
And let me tell you why. Because I sat in the foyer. I pulled a misselette from the cry room and sat in the no man's land between the entryway and the sanctuary. I knew that if I sat in a pew I'd struggle the whole Mass to keep Teresa in my arms or right near me and I am too tired and too big and too over it all to do that. So I let her wander about and babble and I didn't stress at all. I sat through most of the Mass and I didn't care at all. I said all the responses, all by myself, and I didn't care at all. It was great.
Not that I'm advocating for sitting in the foyer every Sunday, but this past Sunday it was exactly what I needed. So glad I did it.
2 - Completely different than Mr. Phillips: I've been listening to Andrew W.K.'s Party Hard a lot lately. What's up with that?
3 - Do yourself a favor and read this: Worse End of School Mom Ever. It is so. freakin. hilarious. And I don't even have kids in school. I'll quote my two favorite parts:
I haven’t checked homework folders in three weeks, because, well, I just can’t. Cannot. Can. Not. I can’t look at the homework in the folder. Is there homework in the folder? I don’t even know. Are other moms still looking in the homework folder? I don’t even care. Then Ben tells me Tuesday that he needs a Ben Franklin costume for the Living History Museum today, and I’m like what fresh hell is this??
4 - It's tornado season here in central Illinois. In the house I grew up in we had a finished basement so on tornado watch/warning nights I'd usually sleep on the couch down there. In the home I live in with my 4 small children we sleep on the second story and have a cellar. I asked Travis what his plan was if there was a tornado and the kids were in bed: who would he grab, who would I grab? His answer: I've never thought of it. My plan is to follow my instincts.
So I told him I'd get the girls and he could follow his instincts to the boys' room.
Also, it makes me nervous that we live right across the street from some railroad tracks. Shortly after the Oklahoma tornadoes we slept with the windows open and when the train went by in the middle of the night I jumped out of bed, looked out the window, and tried to figure out if it was the infamous sound of a tornado or just some freight moving on down the line.
5 - I'm really bad at meal planning and grocery shopping when I'm pregnant. Nothing ever sounds good except food in general and I'm just too tired to think about recipes, let alone actually prepare them. Thankfully I married a teacher, his summer break has begun, and he's taken over the dinner prep.
Last night something really awesome happened and he made supper; loaded, ran, and unloaded the dishwasher twice, baked chocolate chip cookies, folded a bunch of laundry, dug some trenches in the mud pit between our kitchen and garage that's supposed to be a patio so the crazy rain would drain away from the house, and worked in our basement.
A little science humor in honor of my science teacher husband.
I told you it was awesome.
6 - I'm finishing these up during quiet time but I need to stop because Travis and I are watching Beautiful Creatures. Witches and the Civil War and good and evil and teenagers and the south. So far it's interesting.
7 - Thanks, Jen, for hosting! Happy weekend, everyone!
The abstinence only sex ed conversation has continued with Calah's newest post Dirty Sex. The launching part of her post is a comment from J on her original post, a comment she describes as vitriolic:
“And yes, both girls and boys who have premarital sex are dirty. They have been soiled and will not be pure for their future spouse, if they are called to marriage. What is wrong with saying this? Why is it wrong to make someone feel dirty or sinful if they have engaged in premarital sex (which is dirty and sinful)? It is shameful and dirty and their experience will be baggage that they bring into a future marriage.”
When I read J's comment this is what I thought:
“And yes, both girls and boys who have premarital sex are dirty. In a sense, if we're using the word "pure" and the opposite of that is "dirty." They have been soiled and will not be pure for their future spouse, if they are called to marriage. I can go with that, based on the previous understanding. What is wrong with saying this? Yes, what is wrong with that? Good, sincere question. Why is it wrong to make someone feel dirty or sinful if they have engaged in premarital sex (which is dirty and sinful)? Well, the intent should not be to make them feel dirty or shamed but we can't hide the truth by way of softening it. If we're talking about how premarital sex is sinful and someone has willingly engaged in it then they may very well feel dirty and shamed when they realize the wrong. So what is the best way to approach this? It is shameful and dirty and their experience will be baggage that they bring into a future marriage.” Agreed - it will be baggage to some degree or another.
But that's not what everyone else read/understood/assumed. Responses to this comment were things such as, "you apparently think that God gave His blessing upon you to shame someone that made a mistake," and, "You are showing less mercy in this comment than God himself shows," and "Only God can judge, not you. Only God can bring purity to your life after you have sinned. If God has brought purity to someone's life, how can YOU say that they are still soiled?" In other conversations people referred to this comment and said things like, "Don't even waste your time with her- she's never gonna get it!" and other tut-tutting at how unChrist-like the person is. (I don't say these things to pick on anyone or call anyone to defend their words, just to establish a context and to illustrate my point.)
Now, to establish a foundation, I strongly agree with the commenters who state that we cannot and should not make people feel shamed. But beyond that I didn't feel like there was much helpfulness in what people said to or about her.
This comment, "you apparently think that God gave His blessing upon you to shame someone that made a mistake," - while I agree with the bottom line - seems to be written in a tone of condescension. I would argue that it lacks just as much charity as he is accusing J of lacking.
And it always miffs me when people shout out, "Only God can judge!" It is true in the sense that only God can judge us fit for Heaven or Hell, but we are also called to judge, to assess, to see right from wrong and to call them as they are. Perhaps a better way of expressing that sentiment is "God is the ultimate judge" or "God is the only one who can truly judge the heart and our intentions" because we can judge people (their actions, decisions, opinions), and we all do day in and day out, and that's not a bad thing.
It also bothers me that the commenters are all assuming one thing: that all the people we're talking about have all repented, gone to confession, and received forgiveness. What if they haven't? Because when we use expressions like "we are cleansed by the Blood of the Lamb" and "our sins are washed/wiped away by God's mercy in the Sacrament of Reconciliation" then it's important to remember that those very words of "clean," "washed," and "wiped away" all have the same opposite: "dirty". Whether we like it or not, "dirty" is a natural word to use to describe that which has not yet been cleansed.
In the end, though, it comes down to this: I have found it to be incredibly difficult to balance justice and mercy. God has both and He lovingly and perfectly uses them and asks us to do the same. There have been many times in my life when I have found myself in the midst of a very difficult circumstance or interaction and I wonder what God's perfect justice and mercy would look like. Usually I don't know and so I err on the side of justice because my natural disposition is to be legalistic, to lean towards justice and the "right way". I want to know what is expected of me, what I'm to do, and how I'm to do it. I will then get it done. Often times at the end I can look back and see where I lacked love, compassion, charity, and mercy. When I say that I am working out my salvation with fear and trembling, trying to unwork the knots in my life, figuring out how to best live a Christian life I am being honest. I mean it and it is really hard for me!
Sometimes I will ask others, "Why is this wrong? I understand it to be correct so what am I missing?" Sometimes they answer me and sometimes they roll their eyes and consider me a lost cause.
Honestly, I still have legalistic opinions and questions on this whole matter. What about those who haven't sought God's mercy and are still sinning - having not yet been "cleansed" of their sins are they still "dirty"? Can we call them dirty? What do we call them? And what about people living the dangerous lifestyle of multiple sexual partners, quite literally spreading diseases? (Because, to use the OED definition Calah gave for dirty - "foul, unclean, sullied" - well that's pretty much how I think of a an outbreak of syphilis or herpes.) And are we just talking about vaginal sex here? Because what about anal sex? I think poor Rick Santorum would agree that there's at least one part of anal sex that is pretty much only dirty.
I realize that maybe I'm being legalistic, and maybe I'm lacking some point of view or theological knowledge that I should have, and maybe I'm going to offend people because there is a lack of clarity and charity in my thought. But I am asking this not because I'm a great big jerk, but because I know I'm a great big jerk and I'm trying to work on that.
So next time you read one of mine or J's questions (or right now! as you're reading this post!) and we just come off like a couple of Pharisees I hope that you give us the benefit of the doubt, show us some patience, and then give us a solid, clear answer that is delivered with intelligence, clarity, and charity. If I err on the side of justice, please err on the side of mercy and show me how that's done. If you want to tell me, "You are showing less mercy in this comment than God himself shows" please remember that while God has called me to "be holy as I am holy" I am not there yet and so yes, I will probably, unfortunately, often show less mercy, charity, compassion, understanding, patience than God Himself shows. Please remember I am not trying to be a stubborn, mean-spirited, caustic jerk - I'm trying to get this right and I'm asking you to help.
